Are you born under a bad sign?
Satirical article by Craig Hamilton-Parker. I make some pretty nasty comments about the most stupid signs of the Zodiac personalities. Horoscopes always flatter us and tell us the best things about ourselves. But what about the negative aspects of the signs? Are you a pathetically emotional Cancer, a cad Gemini or a shot away Libra? Psychic Craig Hamilton-Parker tells us the worst of what the stars have to say and gives you some ammunition to throw at friends from other signs.
When you study astrology you soon realize that there are both positive AND negative sides to every sign of the zodiac. Normally the descriptions you read in the press are so sweet, superficial and flattering that we are left wondering why the world has so many troubles if everyone’s so nice.
It all depends on which things we emphasise. Nobody wants to read bad things about themselves but we love to know the gossip and scandal about everyone else. Now is your opportunity to take a hard look at the stars so that you can point out everyone else’s faults. Perhaps you can recognise your partner’s character in one of these sun signs? All of the following is based on real astrology and the predictions are made upon the true positions of the planets. The difference is my dark interpretation. Read them if you dare …..
NOTE: I have been a little flexible with some of the famous names. Can you spot them? For example there is no such person as Mickey Mouse or Sherlock Holmes.
March 21 – April 20
Ruler: Mars, the planet of war. Keynotes: The quick-tempered egotist who like to be vulgar. Lucky material: Iron, steel, bloodstone. Lucky day: Tuesday Herbs and plants: Thistle, Nettles and Wormwood.
The Aries character: Aries are at their worst during adolescence and are the ‘young offender’ of the zodiac. They are a fire sign and their love of this element may tempt them to burn down famous buildings or start wars. Once they’ve matured it’s important to allow them to run the show. If they are thwarted in any way they’ll do much more than stamp their feet. They may try to fight or humiliate those who interfere with their megalomania plans. They make terrible social workers but excellent soldiers, politicians and tax inspectors.
The Aries lover: Aries love anything connected with domination and pain. Sadism and satanic ritual are their way of saying ‘I love you’.
The year ahead: Once Saturn leaves your sign on June 9th you will be able to force friends to agree with your decision. A career change is likely. December sees your ruler Mars in your opposite sign meaning that Christmas Eve would be a good time to end a relationship. Famous names: Adolf Hitler, Michael Heseltine, Van Gogh.
April 21 – May 20
Ruler: Venus, the planet of sex. Keynote: The self-indulgent bully who is resentful of everything. Lucky material: Cheap copper, coral and stolen emerald. Lucky day: Friday Herbs and plants: Gooseberry, Lentils, Periwinkle..
The Taurus character: They see everything in terms of money or value and cling like leeches to anyone rich or famous. Once they have wealth or status they’ll bully their inferiors and wield control with a rod of iron. They hate change and are suspicious of everyone. Fortunately for the rest of us Taurus are generally stupid so they don’t usually get very far in life. This may account for their famed resentment of everyone. They are usually very, very fat. They make hopeless diplomats but excellent socialites, bankers or thieves.
The Taurus lover: Taurus make excellent ex-husbands because of their determination never to let the past become the past. In an argument they will remember every detail of your past sins but never their own. They like you to feel inferior..
The year ahead: Try to overcome you pig-headed stubbornness and accept the changes that the year brings. People put upon on you in June so get a Cancer to share the workload.
Famous names: Norman Lamont, The Queen, Hitler, Paula Yates
May 21 – June 21
Ruler: Mercury, the planet of gossip. Keynotes: Schizophrenic liar who loves to shop with your money. Lucky material: Agate, Beryl and polystyrene. Lucky day: Wednesday Herbs and plants: Licorice, Cannabis and Mushroom.
The Gemini character: Gemini will always get what they want because they are masters of deceit and flattery. They love being unfaithful and are always deliberately late for a date but expects you to be punctual. They turn being selfish into an art form and will make you spend all your money so they can save their own. Sometimes they are good listeners but only because they want to hear every juicy bit of gossip that may prove useful to their schemes. Should not join the police force but make excellent actresses, salespeople, and pizza delivery boys.
Gemini lover: Gemini are so obsessed by their own good looks that they’ll seem to not even notice you. And make sure you take your purse when you go out on that special date for it’s certain that you’ll be the one to foot the bill.
The year ahead: To get on in your career you must delegate responsibility. Give the dull jobs to a Taurus and seduce a vulnerable Cancer. Put yourself first this year.
Famous names: Joan Collins, Attila the Hun, Nero.
June 22 – July 21
Ruler: The Moon, the ruler of insipid sentimentality. Keynotes: The melodramatic whiner who’s paranoid with worry. Lucky material: Silver plating, Cat’s Eye and imitation pearl. Lucky day: None Herbs and plants: Pumpkin, Lettuce and Turnip.
The Cancer character: Cancer are like and emotional pressure cooker without a valve. They get so stressed-out that their normally shy behaviour can turn on others like a sudden earthquake. They worry to the point of paranoia and feel that everyone either uses them or ignores them. Most have an Oedipus complex. They also love to moan about everyone and enjoy gloating when someone’s done better in life than you have. They employ cunning tricks to get what they want. Cancer make useless psychologists but are excellent patients. They are better off not having a career.
The Cancer lover: If you enjoy being stressed then a Cancer would make your perfect partner. They are so devote and loyal that it’s sickening.
The year ahead: You must try to overcome the feeling that everyone uses you. A Christmas Eve announcement by an Aries brings a big festive surprise.
Famous names: The Butcher of Bengal*, Richard Wilson, Burt Lancaster. * A close friend of the author. (Does an excellent Garlic Sausage)
July 23- Aug. 22
Ruler: The Sun, symbol of the Ego. Keynotes: Arrogant and conceited but can be hoodwinked by flattery. Lucky material: Gold and anything that makes coinage. Lucky day: Sunday Herbs and plants: Dandelion, Creeping Jenny and all diuretic herbs.
The Leo character: Leos have an irritating smug aloofness and deal with everyone in a high handed way. To them everyone is inferior. They are the Prima Donnas of the zodiac, hog the limelight and expect praise and admiration from every quarter. They are masters at speaking in condescending tones and catty remarks. However these self-centred people can be easily deceived by flattery because they believe everything good said about them. They like to hurt small dogs. Their best career is as a royal personage but most end up managing people who they treat like serfs.
The Leo lover: A Leo will love you if you’re sycophantic and servile. If you want to keep their attention you must praise them continually. They enjoy punishing you.
The year ahead: If you’re a Leo boss watch out for someone born in late March or early April who will try to force you to make a decision on June 9th. I suggest that you sack them.
Famous names: Nigel Mansell, Napoleon, Peppa Pig.
August 23 – September 22
Ruler: Mercury, the planet of gossip.. Keynotes: The hypercritical censor who is obsessively house-proud. Lucky material: Nothing is good enough. Lucky day: Tuesday Herbs and plants: Carrots, Hemp and Maidenhair Fern.
The Virgo character: They have a wonderful sarcastic sense of humour that can cut to the bone. They love to point out mistakes and failings and thrill at the sense of superiority this gives them. They are hypocritical, wry and fussy. Many Virgo are very lonely people. However their cold, cynical nature and lack of warmth is more than compensated for by their ability to organise. Most people find this pedantic attention to detail a little strange even disturbing. It is! Virgo are uninspired artists but make great censors, clerks, cleaners and train spotters
The Virgo lover: It’s best not to fall in love with a Virgo unless you are also a Virgo. Together you’d make a great team and do all those boring things that no one else would dream of doing. Train spotting, stamp collecting and sex are the right order of things.
The year ahead: Jupiter in the relationship area of your chart makes it a year of romance and good luck. However, some Virgo will discover that their mother got their birth date wrong. You may not be a Virgo after all and will miss out on all the good luck.
Famous names: Kate Adie, Lenny Henry,
September 23 – October 22
Ruler: Venus, the planet of sex. Keynotes: The sycophantic, spend thrift in search of security. Lucky material: Cursed Opal, Jet and Sapphire. Lucky day: Friday Herbs and plants: Narcissus, Poisoned Ivy and Hemp.
The Libra character: Libra has the symbol of the scales because this is the sign of the unbalanced person. For Libra, things can never be perfect because as soon as the scales are even something comes along to upset the balance again. To compensate for this insecurity Libra is obsessed with the desire to be loved, admired and wanted. They are empty vessels in need of continual emotional replenishment. Their superficial, easygoing way betrays a lack of strength and a deep-set vanity. They also love to spend money and are generally unemployable.
The Libra Lover: Libra is fickle about the right perfume or after shave to wear, the right night-clothes to put on and spends so long arranging the cushions in the bedroom that just so that you’ll be fast asleep before you can ever make love. They are so vain that they believe that they have no faults.
The year ahead: With erratic Uranus influencing you throughout the year you’re likely to be even more indecisive than usual. Do not trust yourself or you will be let down.
Famous names: Alistair Crowley, Margaret Thatcher, Duchess of York.
October 23 – November 21
Ruler: Pluto, the planet of cartoon characters. Keynotes: This secretive and ruthless person is sex obsessed.. Lucky material: Razor sharp steel.. Lucky day: Tuesday Herbs and plants: Cactus, bramble and seaweed.
The Scorpio character: The Scorpio will stop at nothing to fulfil their desires. They are power-hungry, domineering and ruthless. But apart from these good qualities the Scorpio can also be very jealous. If you are proud of an accomplishment they will take great pleasure in demoralizing you and will undermine your success. Obsession with sex is of course their greatest interest. It’s easy to fall in love with them but, like a praying mantis, they will destroy you when it’s all over. Scorpio are hopeless as care assistants but they are excellent prostitutes, inquisitors and interrogators.
The Scorpio Lover: The Scorpio lover is greedy and intense and takes no interest in his partner’s satisfaction. They are completely amoral and display no tenderness or affection. They will sleep with anybody.
The year ahead: Jupiter in your sign indicates that you can take advantage of someone else’s good luck. Grab what you can while you can.
Famous names: Mata-Hari, Admiral Nelson, Hillary Clinton, Sherlock Holmes.
November 22 – December 21
Ruler: Jupiter, the planet of bad jokes. Keynotes: She who can’t keep a promise. Lucky material: Tin and any other worthless metals. Lucky day: Thursday Herbs and plants: Mistletoe, Fig and Myrrh (whatever that is).
The Sagittarius character: The Sagittarius want to be liked by everyone and will promise you the moon in order to get their own way. But they usually change their minds later and don’t keep their many promises. ‘Always put off till tomorrow what could be done today’ is their motto. Sagittarius are always late. They take tremendous financial risks and are hated by bank managers. They are allergic to housework, they are also tactless and impulsive and can be a complete embarrassment at parties. Sagittarius are dreadful investment managers but make good bankrupts and trapeze artists.
The Sagittarius lover: Sagittarius love the pursuit of love more than the act. The are incorrigible flirts and impulsively fall in love. They have an exaggerated self-image foolishly believing that everyone finds them attractive.
The year ahead: With Pluto traveling through your sign it will no longer feel that it’s a dog’s life. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, and party.
Famous names: Mickey Mouse.
December 22 – January 20
Ruler: Saturn, the depressing planet of restraint. Keynotes: The tiresome, old-fashioned know-it-all. Lucky material: Garnet, Lead and radioactive Uranium. Lucky day: Saturday Herbs and plants: Hemlock, deadly nightshade and Chestnut.
The Capricorn character: They are proud of the fact that they are the most opinionated and self-centred sign of the zodiac. And it’s true because they are always right. Cruel Capricorn puts ambition ahead of personal relationships which can be jettisoned as needed. Bluntness is their middle name. They may sound interesting people but they are old-fashioned and tiresome. They will live to a ripe old age just to spite everyone. Capricorn are hopeless comedians but make excellent undertakers, journalists and butchers.
The Capricorn Lover: Their voracious sexual appetite is almost as intense as their greed for power. They are stingy with their affections but generous with their criticism of you.
The year ahead: Travel is high on the agenda this year but not only for pleasure. Just when you thought you could put your feet up along comes someone else with errands to run.
Famous names: Rowan Atkinson, Joseph Stalin, Jesus .
January 21 – February 18
Ruler: Uranus, the planet of the criminally insane. Keynotes: The ruthless eccentric in search of fame. Lucky material: Paper tissue Lucky day: Saturday Herbs and plants: Pansy, Moss and Gladiola.
The Aquarius character: If you thought that Aquarians are kind, eccentric, humanitarians then you’re wrong. Beneath their ‘good humour’ lurks an secret ambition to be famous and they’ll betray anyone to get to the top. They love to hog the limelight. They are ‘independent individuals’, which is their excuse to be completely unattached emotionally. Their’s is the only dry eye in the house when you go together to watch a sad or romantic movie. They are useless at most jobs unless it is part time or has celebrity status.
The Aquarian Lover: Expect problems. One minute they’ll love you then the next they’ll hate you. They hate domineering lovers who restrict their freedom almost as much as they despise the emotional weakling who is emotionally dependent on them.
The year ahead: You may have trouble with Uranus. You’ll be itching to try new things as this planet of the unpredictable releases its energies this year.
Famous names: Dame Edna Everidge, Coco the clown, Germaine Greer, Ronald Regan, Spongebob.
February 19 – March 20
Ruler: Neptune, the planet of addiction. Keynotes: Bewildered but slippery deceiver. Lucky material: Moonstone, aquamarine. Lucky day: Thursday Herbs and plants: Poppy, asparagus and bilberries.
The Pisces character: Irrational Pisces are as slippery as the fish that symbolises their sign. They use double-speak and never give a straight answer even if they could. They are sly and noncommittal. This bewildering vagueness can trick people to comply with their wishes just as fish get tricked into the fisherman’s nets. Never trust them, they will fain innocence to get help from others. They are habitually lazy and manipulative. A Pisces will work you to the bone. They are best suited to careers where the work can be delegated ideally as ‘the inspector of finished works’.
The Pisces Lover: Most people find their constant need for emotional reassurance irritating. Pisces hunger for love hoping that it may offer and escape from their futile lives. They will cling to you like a fish on a hook.
The year ahead: With two eclipses falling in your sign this is an important year for you. Make sure that you put extra effort into getting people to work harder for you. Get a Capricorn to run your errands.
Famous names: None.
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